The Miraculous Tape Worm Diet Pill and the Fabulous All Chocolate Weight Loss Plan
This article is a joke, ok? Just want to make sure you don’t take me wrong! Gotta keep your trust for my serious articles… 🙂
It’s amazing that it took medical science this long to put it together.
The Western world has known ever since we first landed in the tropics about how effective tape worms can be for losing weight. And we’ve tried so many diet pills that didn’t work.
What took physicians so long to realize that a tape worm diet pill was the best way to harness nature’s power to fight the unstoppable food cravings she gave us?
Tape Worm Diet Pills in History
Historians tell us that the early explorers who witnessed the power of the tape worm diet in 18th century Mexico were so fit and svelte, they simply considered it an uncivilized oddity. In fact, the famous Portuguese mountaineer and sea explorer, Gustavo DeMenthes (1732-1782?), wrote in his Jornal do Partido, “These unfortunate indians not only cannot read or write, but they spend most of the day trying to convince us to eat their strange bread recipe called ‘Oreos’.”
Historians are divided on the ultimate fate of DeMenthes, though rumor has it (according to his first mate) that he smuggled a large stash of Oreos back to Portugal, and went mad when he ran out. It is a matter of public record that he was once thrown in jail about 6 months after returning to Portugal. The record shows that the original charge of ‘Attempting to Steal His Majesty’s Frigate’ was dropped and changed to ‘Public Intoxication’. He soon after disappeared altogether from Portugal.
The Tape Worm Diet Pill in Late 19th Century New York
Modern historians think it more than a coincidence that the man who introduced the tape worm diet pill to the United States came from Mexico and was named Henriques Dimintio. He probably was DeMenthes’ great great grandson. Dimintio traveled all the way to New York City to make a fortune off his ‘Oreos’. He met a young, energetic French baker named John Nabis, who loved the cookie and thought it had Great Market Potential.
Then Dimintio explained how Oreos went perfectly with his traditional tape worm diet pill. Nabis wouldn’t hear of it- he didn’t care if people got fat, he wasn’t going to sell worms and food to them at the same time! The two new friends had already a lot of Mexican tequila, so the argument quickly became a scuffle. Result: 12 crushed oreos, 105 dead tape worms, and 2 estranged business partners.
Nabis stole the Oreo idea, and his company, Nabisco, is still going strong. He got his due, though… As you can see in their official ‘history’, Nabis gets no credit whatsoever for his company, or Demintio’s cookie – in fact they will deny that there ever was a John Nabis involved. Call them and see!
Dimintio subsequently tried to convince two more baker/entrepreneurs to merge cookies and tape worms, but they brushed him off. He became depressed. We have a record of him at Mt. Sinai, New York City’s oldest hospital, where he received water bath therapy, which was all modern medicine had for depression in the late 1800’s. Local history in his hometown in Mexico has it that he returned home to his wife and family to bake cookies during the day and play sad Mariachi songs at night.
Rampant Obesity in the 20th and 21st Century
By the end of the 20th century, it was clear that Demintio had been way ahead of his time. Obesity was on the rise, and food addictions were in full swing. Even children as young as nine were eating themselves into adult-onset diabetes. The term ‘globesity’ was coined to describe this worldwide health crisis.
Ever ahead of the health curve, the Canadian government ordered an exhaustive study of all weight loss solutions known to man. Organizations like Weightwatchers were investigated, diets like The Zone, Atkins, and South Beach were evaluated, herbs like ephedra were eaten, snorted, and injected, tribal peoples across the world were extorted in an attempt to discover their weight loss wisdom… not a single stone was left unturned.
Finally, the government-appointed Canadian National Committee for the Sane Control of Weight issued its monstruously authoritative 500-page report, and overnight it became a Canadian bestseller.
Readers in America still haven’t heard of it. It’s Canadian! Who cares?? One American publisher firm attempted to take on the U.S. distribution of the report, but ran into translation difficulties. The movie rights, however, are still available.
Among the Committee’s findings are:
* No diet works for everyone
* Most obese people are lazy, but so are many skinny people
* Many obese people eat lots of sugar and diet sodas, but so do skinny Hollywood fashion models
* Professional athletes usually are not obese
* Anorexics don’t gain weight
In short, the report was stunning in its inconclusiveness. The only points of light were some promising newer diets that had not yet been tried by large groups of people, or by large groups of large people, which included:
* The Tape Worm Diet Pill
* The Miraculous All Chocolate Diet
* The Ephedra Weight Loss Pizza
Experts, in the report, expressed concerns about each of these diets. Yet, they concluded, “we must try anything and everything, leaving no stone unturned, until everyone in the world can look like Jennifer Lopez and Brad Pitt.”
Ok, ok, let’s get serious.
I really am working on an ephedra weight loss pizza.
Stay tuned.
